A Painful Charm

"It is comforting for [Hugo] to imagine that something still remains of what he saw when he was in his own country, and that all is not vanished. While we come and go in our native land, we imagine that we are indifferent to these streets, that these windows, roofs, and doors mean nothing to us, that these walls are strangers to us, that these trees are like any other trees, that these houses we never enter are of no use to us, that the pavement where we walk is no more than stone blocks. Later, when we are no longer there, we find that those streets are very dear to us, that we miss the roofs, windows, and doors, that the walls are essential to us, that the trees are beloved, that every day we did enter those houses we never entered, and that we have left something of our affections, our life, and our heart on those paving stones. All those places that we no longer see, which perhaps we shall never see again, but whose image we have preserved, assume a painful charm, return to us with the sadness of a ghost, make the holy land visible to us, and are, so to speak, the true shape of France; and we love them and call them up such as they are, such as they were, and hold onto them, unwilling to change a thing, for one clings to the form of the fatherland as to the face of the mother."

- Victor Hugo; Les Misérables; "Book Five: A Dark Chase Requires a Silent Hound"; "I: Strategy's Zigzags"; pg. 447

I imagine we can all relate to this quote. It is "high school goggles," or reminiscing about the good times when all you really wanted to do at the time was get as far as away as possible. Okay, it is not a perfect metaphor. I remember living in New Jersey and thinking how I would love to live somewhere else. When I spent four years in Missouri I found myself defending the stereotypically factory-overrun state. Truly, one does not appreciate what is had until it is gone.

Hell in Symmetry

"As far as the eye could see, there was nothing but the slaughterhouses, the city wall, and there a factory façade, resembling a barracks or a monastery; everywhere hovels and heaps of trash, old walls as black as widows' clothes, and new walls as white as shrouds; everywhere, parallel rows of trees, buildings in rigid lines, low, flat structures, long, cold perspectives, and the dreary sameness of right angles. No variation in the terrain, not a caprice of architecture, not a wrinkle. Altogether, it was chilly, regular, and hideous. Nothing is so stifling as symmetry. Symmetry is boredom, the quintessence of mourning. Despair yawns. There is something more terrible than a hell of suffering -- a hell of boredom."

- Victor Hugo; Les Misérables; "Book Four: The Old Gorbeau House"; "I: Master Gorbeau"; pg. 432

"And, in truth, the mysterious impression worked on Cosette, in the deep woods at Chelles, by Jean Valjean's hand grasping her own in the darkness, was not an illusion but a reality. The coming of this man and his participation in this child's destiny had been the coming of God."

- Victor Hugo; Les Misérables; "Book Four: The Old Gorbeau House"; "III: Two Misfortunes Equal One Happiness"; pg. 437


So here we have God protecting a young girl in a hell of sorts. There is so much in this book that sheds light on the musical and provides much needed insight into the background and thoughts of the characters. There have been so many quotes I intended to post somewhere, so look forward to more of these! (She says to herself...)

Letter #2

Dear -----,

How have you been? I imagine you've been very busy. I have been thinking of sending you an email to catch up, though I know you will be even busier ignoring it. I would rather pretend I sent it and read an imaginary response than be disappointed in an empty inbox.

There is a YouTube account I watch regularly. It is one of the few accounts I actually enjoy enough to subscribe. Better yet, the videos cover a variety of topics. I must admit, I started watching all these videos because I saw you in them, and it was like you were talking to me. Mostly it was the hair, and of course the awesomeness emanating from the screen. I remember how I felt whenever you gave me attention. How I was ever worthy to take up space in that wonderful mind of yours I will never know.

I contemplate how we started and the many places where I let you down. I try to replay the situations differently. I say what I should have said and you act accordingly. And still you love me today. It is said hindsight is 20/20. No one ever talks about the emotional impact: how ecstatic you feel that you just happened to pick the right choices, how grateful you are when a few seconds of time save you from a horrible car wreck, how hard you fall when the knowledge of today cannot change the poor decisions of the past. The phrase "Monday morning Quarterback" is based on this principle. It is easy to say what should have been done in the football game the day after. No amount of "should haves" will ever make up for what wasn't. And so it is with me, calling plays long after the game has ended. I am that Quarterback looking back to that one game, insisting to relive that moment instead of playing current games. What significance do these games hold after losing the Super Bowl?

What small victories these games are compared to losing the chance of holding the Lombardi Trophy! Why should I care about them when I will never wear that championship ring?

What point is there in other people when I have failed you?

All the Best,

K----

I Should Have Slept at 5pm

Every once in a while there erupts an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness, of loss, of uncertainty, and of wanting a quick solution. The solution? Punishment with endorphins. This has not happened for a long time but tonight it seemed like it would. It still may. I don't know.

Comparing songs that make you teary-eyed with my friend has inadvertently led to listening to the beginning of an old playlist. These songs are not good for me. Granted they don't have the same effect they once did, but I am seeing an increase in the same feelings. I have also found these deep bouts usually follow short periods of euphoria, as if I cannot allow myself to be happy. Perhaps, somewhere, I think I do not deserve to be.

Want a taste of how this feels? Here is a preview from the Broadway musical Next to Normal:

The song is "You Don't Know/I Am the One."

That is all for now.

Letter #1

Dear -----,

I thought of you again today. That isn't a strange concept; I think of you almost every day. I think of the past, how I purposely broke "us", how I wish words or actions could change your mind today. Give us a chance to be something real. But that wouldn't be possible anyway, not with such a distance between. You have your own life now with plenty of dates to keep you occupied. I am stuck here, alone, lonely, trying to become something more. Someone you will want. Someone you can love.

There is not a thing I do now without a thought of you.

Someday this degree I am striving for will earn me respect and allow a financially sound future. Someday you may realize what you want is and always will be me. You see, I am different now. I can allow myself to be happy. I can help you be happy, too. All these little steps I take toward being a little more extroverted and confident are for you.

For now I must deal with your silence. That deafening silence. How I manage to concentrate with such loud silence is beyond me. What strength allows me to keep holding on I can only call Hope. How scared am I to await the day when you will pass final judgment. Will you take me or leave me? I have Hope, yet I anticipate your answer. I know I will be crushed. And that will be the end of me.

Please don't write me off just yet.

Always,

K----

Rain

Rain. Most people (rounding up I would say everyone) dislike rain for some reason. Maybe it ruins their plans, or brings on their dreary mood, or some just don't like getting wet, gosh darn it! Post-Tropical Storm Andrea has hit Florida and is marching up the coast, throwing rainclouds up in the NYC area. I sit here with the sliding glass door open, listening to the rain pour on the woods out back. A thousand little tappings on the leaves falling to the bed of pine needles below. A conversation between weather and nature. It's beautiful. I fully realize today, by way of a spontaneous smile, my love of rain.

Being in the rain is such a complete sensation. All of one's senses employed, standing, singing or dancing in the rain is a reminder of one's aliveness. Ever forget your connection to the Earth? Stand in the rain. Be surrounded by nature with the weather reaching down, kissing you everywhere. Just be yourself and know the Earth treats you like any other; just be yourself and know you are accepted.

Today I stood in the rain. Today I felt alive.

"And rain will make the flowers grow." -Eponine, Les Miserables