What Is Real?

In every single type of relationship I have had, whether it be friendship or more, I have felt like the description in this video. The internal fighting always follows the same basic script. Talk to person => get to know person => think person is awesome => think person is too good for me => try to convince person not to be my friend => still try to be friendly with person because person is just too awesome => send confusing signals => confuse self => end up feeling worse than before => person either becomes really good friend or someone I knew at one point in my life.

Not all relationships are built equally, and deviations from the formula are to be expected. There is one person with whom I have not had any sort of closure. He came, I messed up big time, and he left just when I would have needed him the most. That was a year and half ago. Since then we have spoken as friends, but I still feel something. Why do I feel something? I want to know for sure if that was the right path to take. He says God led him to make the decision, but for someone who does not believe that God points us in the right direction in such an obvious way (He left evidence and His Word for us to follow and free will for us to choose whether or not we want to follow) it is difficult for me to accept that as an answer. If it was not "meant to be" can I feel that way too? Why should he feel so secure and leave me at a most vulnerable time to feel even more empty? I never got closure. That is all I want - the chance for closure.

What should I do?

At the same time, there are people who stuck around. They have seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. They chose to support me. Let us pause and applaud these exceptional people. Are you applauding? Now, the problem with me is I like to know where I stand with people. Just how much of a friend do they see me as? Are they amusing me because I have the potential for a breakdown? Do they avoid me at times because I can be overbearing? Or, do they wish they could spend more time with me? Am I loved or tolerated? There are a few people with whom I share a deep connection. Then I ask myself if I am the only one who feels it. Is what I believe to be true really a facade? Perhaps I am viewing the ripples on the surface, distorting the image staring back at me.

What people are real to me? Who should I hold on to? Insecurities such as these cause me to fear love, to fear something that might not be real.

I did not intend to write any of this when I sat down to share the above link. Apparently it needed to be said. Feel free to comment.

Til next time...